Surviving the Dragon.
I remember the first time I found heroin. I was 16. I walked into a room where a few of my friends were smoking it. I asked what it was. I hesitated. Then I thought well, all well I have been taking Oxycontin whats the difference right? and I took my first hit. I held my breath and then released the poison from my lungs. Time froze and stood still. For the first time in my life I felt free and relief from all my pains. I said to myself “ I found it, this is what I have been searching for.”. I had finally found the solution to all my problems.... so I thought.
As a child life was rough. My mom was sick with severe mental illness. She would lock herself in her bedroom for days and days at a time. I never understood when dad said “mom is sick”. How is she always so sick I wondered. What is wrong with her. All the visits to the hospitals and many trips to the psych ward. I am the oldest so I was allowed to go to visit with my dad. All these locked doors and passwords. I didn’t understand but I became use to it all. Grandma would pull up to the school and give me a ride home. She said mom is sick again be on your best behavior. Dad worked late hours into the night so we spent a lot of time at grandmas house. I hated grandmas house. Why cant I just go home. Mom cried and cried. What did I do to make her cry? I left her alone so I wouldn't upset her any more. Its my fault why cant I make my mom happy? Why doesn't she like me? I just want my mom.
I started getting in trouble at a young age. Acting out in school. Trying to get any sort of attention even if it was negative. I Was 12 I started Smoking weed and taking pills became my escape.
Grandma picked me up from school one day. She explained how it was my fault my mom was sick. That I was so “bad” I made her sick and upset her. From that moment on things were never the same. My heart was heavy and sad I became a very angry child blaming myself for my mothers illness. Hating her for not being there. Having to take care of my two younger sisters because there was no one else to do it. I had been wearing the same pair of jeans for the last year. The cupboards were empty. I hated living this way.
I was sent to a treatment center at the age of 15. a 2 year program. I was so angry. How could they do this to me. My sister developed severe brain tumors. I am locked in this prison. Make a wish foundation came to give her a wish. They let me out for a day. My sister needed a immediate surgery to remove the tumor from her brain stem. They took me to the hospital where my sister and the dr. were waiting for me to arrive. I met them at the surgery doors and said good bye to my sister. I hated myself. I am a horrible sister and person what has my life become. My sister survived the surgery. I ran away from the treatment center. If they think I am bad I will show them how bad I can be. I tried heroin for my first time when I ran away and things began to spiral out of control.
Once i started doing heroin I had to find means to support my habit. Stealing things and selling drugs was the best way for me to do it. I got a part time job. Every second of my day was thinking about heroin and doing heroin. I hung out with the junkies none of my friends wanted to be around me. I rarely went home. My family became use to me doing drugs and just left me alone. I got in trouble with the police for stealing. I didn't care. I was completely out of control.
I turned 18. Three weeks later the task force arrested me for selling heroin and Oxycontin. I laid in my jail sell withdrawing. So sick every part of my body hurt. Wondering how the hell did I get here. I was bailed out by a friend a few days later who kindly greeted me with a handful of drugs. I got charged with two 2nd degree felonies. With only a slap on the wrist I was off and running once again.
The first time I put a needle in my arm I was 19. I lay on my bed thinking “ this is it I have found what I have been looking for” The drugs ran through my veins. The greatest feeling I have ever felt in my life. I figured I would die anyways so who cares. Trying to support my very expensive habit I sold drugs to try to stay on top of it. Several of my friends were already dead. I waited and prayed for the drug to kill me. I would lay in my room in the basement in the dark “ please god save me from myself” . I was all alone. I hated my sad miserable life. I was worthless. Why cant I stop getting high? Why am I such a failure? I was lonley. I went over to my sisters house. She is also a heroin addict. She asked what I was doing. I said “shooting up” She said “ will you do it to me?” I hesitated as she begged me what the hell why not as I shoot the poison into her veins. She is in love.
I was hanging out in crack houses with the scum of the earth. The houses were filthy. I had sores all over my arms. I would cry because they hurt so bad. Yet it didn't stop me. Using the same dirty and dull needles over and over didn’t help either. Guns and large amounts of heroin and cocaine. How did I get here? I am just a little girl. What am I doing? Skinny and pale have not ate or slept in days. Weighing only 100 lbs and very weak I slowly start to become paranoid from the speed balls and lack of sleep. I knew someone was coming for me I lived every second in fear of getting caught. Having several run ins with the police. Watching people over dose and trying to commit suicide. Calling the paramedics and resuscitating my sister. What has my life become? I am a good person how did I get into such a dark place. I never thought I would be doing the things I am to get drugs. I tried to commit suicide several times. Yet they always brought me back. I always woke up some how. Why cant I die. I never planned on sticking a needle in my arm. It all happened so quick. I am completely lost. Darkness follows me where ever I go I can not escape. I create misery. I am my own worst enemy.
I began overdosing over and over. I walk into a restaurant. I order a drink. I have taken several bezos and muscle relaxers mixed with opiates. I lay my head down and I didn't pick it back up. I wake up in a ambulance. Chaos all around me. I fight let me go let me go. The paramedic says “ you wanna go to the hospital or jail?” I say angrily the hospital. I am hand cuffed to the bed. The doctor yells at me and says what the hell are you doing. You have so many drugs in your system it could kill a buffalo. I laughed and rolled my eyes.
A week after the recent overdose. I am taking my car to be fixed. My pockets are full of pills. My arms have blood spots so I put a jacket on. I drop the car off go to the store and come back highly intoxicated. I get my car and sit in it. A sheriff knocks on my window. I open my door. He pulls me out. Giving me several sobriety tests I fail them horribly. He arrests me puts me in the car. Everything goes black. I wake up in the hospital the next day handcuffed to the bed. They tell me what happened. The cop tries to talk to me with a very concerned expression he tells me I am going to end up killing myself. I think he is dramatic. They let me call someone to pick me up and write me a ticket for a DUI.
Two weeks later at the age 22 things really fell apart. I was pulled over with a lot of heroin. They wrote me a ticket and let me go for some reason. The next week my parents house was raided by the swat team. I was arrested. My arms swollen with infection. The police un hand cuffed me and told me to show my mom my arms. I cried. She cried. They took me to the police station I woke up three days later very confused of what happened and how I got there. They took me to the jail and booked me in. I had another long list of felony charges. Once again im in jail. I go through the horrible withdrawals. I did not sleep for a month. Losing my insanity once again. Oh how dd I get to this place again? Will it ever end? I just want to die. 6 months later I am released. I go to my sisters house and stick a needle in my arm. I am homeless. I have no car. I have no friends. I cant stay sober.
Its 2009 I call a treatment center everyday for months. I need five days clean to get in. How is that possible? No one can stay clean that long. I do my last shot of heroin. I call and say I have five days clean. I go in the next week. I did not know it but that was the last time I would put a needle in my arm.
I am introduced to the twelve step program. That is what has saved my life. Four years ago I never thought I could get sober. I wanted to die with every breath I took. I had seen things no one should ever see. I had done things no one should do. I had been trapped in my own hell. Every part of my soul ached with sadness and pain. I am finally free from the dragon that had such a tight hold of me.
Many people suffer from the disease of addiction. The statistics of getting sober are very slim. Most people die. The others will go in and out of institutions for the rest of there life's. My sister is still lost in the darkness and the sad truth is she will not survive her addiction. It is heart breaking to watch your family kill them selves slowly. Yet only the addict can make the choice to live or die. Trust me it sounds like a easy choice but it is not. Death sounds like a easier solution when you are lost in the dark in the lowest part of your life. You feel as though you have sold your sold to the devil himself. I had to finally make the decision to live. Not to only breath but to learn to live how to be happy and free.
My life to day is amazing. I having a meaning and purpose to live. I am grateful for everyone and everything in my life. It is a blessing and miracle I am here today. I have been through the hardest experience of my life. I am a good person. The drugs were not who I am. My family speaks to me I am allowed in there home. I have a smile on my face most of the time. I have regained everything I had lost. I have the most amazing friends. People who actually care about me and not if I have drugs. I am engaged to a great man. We are buying house. I go to work everyday. I pay my bills. I have a car that actually works. I am going to school to be a pediatric nurse. I have found true happiness and peace. I do not regret the past. I am okay in my own skin. I have confidence and hold my head high. I do not live every day in fear. I will always be a addict and struggle with it. Bottom line is I do not have to ever live that way again. I choose to be free.
I remember the first time I found heroin. I was 16. I walked into a room where a few of my friends were smoking it. I asked what it was. I hesitated. Then I thought well, all well I have been taking Oxycontin whats the difference right? and I took my first hit. I held my breath and then released the poison from my lungs. Time froze and stood still. For the first time in my life I felt free and relief from all my pains. I said to myself “ I found it, this is what I have been searching for.”. I had finally found the solution to all my problems.... so I thought.
As a child life was rough. My mom was sick with severe mental illness. She would lock herself in her bedroom for days and days at a time. I never understood when dad said “mom is sick”. How is she always so sick I wondered. What is wrong with her. All the visits to the hospitals and many trips to the psych ward. I am the oldest so I was allowed to go to visit with my dad. All these locked doors and passwords. I didn’t understand but I became use to it all. Grandma would pull up to the school and give me a ride home. She said mom is sick again be on your best behavior. Dad worked late hours into the night so we spent a lot of time at grandmas house. I hated grandmas house. Why cant I just go home. Mom cried and cried. What did I do to make her cry? I left her alone so I wouldn't upset her any more. Its my fault why cant I make my mom happy? Why doesn't she like me? I just want my mom.
I started getting in trouble at a young age. Acting out in school. Trying to get any sort of attention even if it was negative. I Was 12 I started Smoking weed and taking pills became my escape.
Grandma picked me up from school one day. She explained how it was my fault my mom was sick. That I was so “bad” I made her sick and upset her. From that moment on things were never the same. My heart was heavy and sad I became a very angry child blaming myself for my mothers illness. Hating her for not being there. Having to take care of my two younger sisters because there was no one else to do it. I had been wearing the same pair of jeans for the last year. The cupboards were empty. I hated living this way.
I was sent to a treatment center at the age of 15. a 2 year program. I was so angry. How could they do this to me. My sister developed severe brain tumors. I am locked in this prison. Make a wish foundation came to give her a wish. They let me out for a day. My sister needed a immediate surgery to remove the tumor from her brain stem. They took me to the hospital where my sister and the dr. were waiting for me to arrive. I met them at the surgery doors and said good bye to my sister. I hated myself. I am a horrible sister and person what has my life become. My sister survived the surgery. I ran away from the treatment center. If they think I am bad I will show them how bad I can be. I tried heroin for my first time when I ran away and things began to spiral out of control.
Once i started doing heroin I had to find means to support my habit. Stealing things and selling drugs was the best way for me to do it. I got a part time job. Every second of my day was thinking about heroin and doing heroin. I hung out with the junkies none of my friends wanted to be around me. I rarely went home. My family became use to me doing drugs and just left me alone. I got in trouble with the police for stealing. I didn't care. I was completely out of control.
I turned 18. Three weeks later the task force arrested me for selling heroin and Oxycontin. I laid in my jail sell withdrawing. So sick every part of my body hurt. Wondering how the hell did I get here. I was bailed out by a friend a few days later who kindly greeted me with a handful of drugs. I got charged with two 2nd degree felonies. With only a slap on the wrist I was off and running once again.
The first time I put a needle in my arm I was 19. I lay on my bed thinking “ this is it I have found what I have been looking for” The drugs ran through my veins. The greatest feeling I have ever felt in my life. I figured I would die anyways so who cares. Trying to support my very expensive habit I sold drugs to try to stay on top of it. Several of my friends were already dead. I waited and prayed for the drug to kill me. I would lay in my room in the basement in the dark “ please god save me from myself” . I was all alone. I hated my sad miserable life. I was worthless. Why cant I stop getting high? Why am I such a failure? I was lonley. I went over to my sisters house. She is also a heroin addict. She asked what I was doing. I said “shooting up” She said “ will you do it to me?” I hesitated as she begged me what the hell why not as I shoot the poison into her veins. She is in love.
I was hanging out in crack houses with the scum of the earth. The houses were filthy. I had sores all over my arms. I would cry because they hurt so bad. Yet it didn't stop me. Using the same dirty and dull needles over and over didn’t help either. Guns and large amounts of heroin and cocaine. How did I get here? I am just a little girl. What am I doing? Skinny and pale have not ate or slept in days. Weighing only 100 lbs and very weak I slowly start to become paranoid from the speed balls and lack of sleep. I knew someone was coming for me I lived every second in fear of getting caught. Having several run ins with the police. Watching people over dose and trying to commit suicide. Calling the paramedics and resuscitating my sister. What has my life become? I am a good person how did I get into such a dark place. I never thought I would be doing the things I am to get drugs. I tried to commit suicide several times. Yet they always brought me back. I always woke up some how. Why cant I die. I never planned on sticking a needle in my arm. It all happened so quick. I am completely lost. Darkness follows me where ever I go I can not escape. I create misery. I am my own worst enemy.
I began overdosing over and over. I walk into a restaurant. I order a drink. I have taken several bezos and muscle relaxers mixed with opiates. I lay my head down and I didn't pick it back up. I wake up in a ambulance. Chaos all around me. I fight let me go let me go. The paramedic says “ you wanna go to the hospital or jail?” I say angrily the hospital. I am hand cuffed to the bed. The doctor yells at me and says what the hell are you doing. You have so many drugs in your system it could kill a buffalo. I laughed and rolled my eyes.
A week after the recent overdose. I am taking my car to be fixed. My pockets are full of pills. My arms have blood spots so I put a jacket on. I drop the car off go to the store and come back highly intoxicated. I get my car and sit in it. A sheriff knocks on my window. I open my door. He pulls me out. Giving me several sobriety tests I fail them horribly. He arrests me puts me in the car. Everything goes black. I wake up in the hospital the next day handcuffed to the bed. They tell me what happened. The cop tries to talk to me with a very concerned expression he tells me I am going to end up killing myself. I think he is dramatic. They let me call someone to pick me up and write me a ticket for a DUI.
Two weeks later at the age 22 things really fell apart. I was pulled over with a lot of heroin. They wrote me a ticket and let me go for some reason. The next week my parents house was raided by the swat team. I was arrested. My arms swollen with infection. The police un hand cuffed me and told me to show my mom my arms. I cried. She cried. They took me to the police station I woke up three days later very confused of what happened and how I got there. They took me to the jail and booked me in. I had another long list of felony charges. Once again im in jail. I go through the horrible withdrawals. I did not sleep for a month. Losing my insanity once again. Oh how dd I get to this place again? Will it ever end? I just want to die. 6 months later I am released. I go to my sisters house and stick a needle in my arm. I am homeless. I have no car. I have no friends. I cant stay sober.
Its 2009 I call a treatment center everyday for months. I need five days clean to get in. How is that possible? No one can stay clean that long. I do my last shot of heroin. I call and say I have five days clean. I go in the next week. I did not know it but that was the last time I would put a needle in my arm.
I am introduced to the twelve step program. That is what has saved my life. Four years ago I never thought I could get sober. I wanted to die with every breath I took. I had seen things no one should ever see. I had done things no one should do. I had been trapped in my own hell. Every part of my soul ached with sadness and pain. I am finally free from the dragon that had such a tight hold of me.
Many people suffer from the disease of addiction. The statistics of getting sober are very slim. Most people die. The others will go in and out of institutions for the rest of there life's. My sister is still lost in the darkness and the sad truth is she will not survive her addiction. It is heart breaking to watch your family kill them selves slowly. Yet only the addict can make the choice to live or die. Trust me it sounds like a easy choice but it is not. Death sounds like a easier solution when you are lost in the dark in the lowest part of your life. You feel as though you have sold your sold to the devil himself. I had to finally make the decision to live. Not to only breath but to learn to live how to be happy and free.
My life to day is amazing. I having a meaning and purpose to live. I am grateful for everyone and everything in my life. It is a blessing and miracle I am here today. I have been through the hardest experience of my life. I am a good person. The drugs were not who I am. My family speaks to me I am allowed in there home. I have a smile on my face most of the time. I have regained everything I had lost. I have the most amazing friends. People who actually care about me and not if I have drugs. I am engaged to a great man. We are buying house. I go to work everyday. I pay my bills. I have a car that actually works. I am going to school to be a pediatric nurse. I have found true happiness and peace. I do not regret the past. I am okay in my own skin. I have confidence and hold my head high. I do not live every day in fear. I will always be a addict and struggle with it. Bottom line is I do not have to ever live that way again. I choose to be free.